Entertainment world

Teacher: What r the people of Turkey called?

Student: I don't know.
Teacher: They r called Turks, now What r the people of Germany called?
Student: They r called Germs.

Teacher : Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?

Pupil: Moon...
Teacher : Why?
Pupil : The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it.

There were two Christians Travelling on a plane. Sitting behind them was a Muslims. As they realized that a Muslims is Travelling with them. They started talking loudly with each other.

James said to Tim.
Tim where r u going, hopefully to Dubai.
Tim said Nah
There are too many Muslims, streets and roods are flooded with them.
James smiles and said then u must be going to Iran.
Tim said r u mad, Muslims in Iran are more fanatic and mad then Dubai.
Muslim who was listening to them could not bear it and said hey u both go to hell, for sure there would be no Muslim.

Two friends Billooo & Tillooo went to school for appearing in English exam (7th standard). They had crammed an essay of "MY BEST FRIEND". But unfortunately, in the question-paper it was written ...... write an essay on "MY FATHER” in just 30-45 words .So Billooo was utterly confused & nervous ...what to do!!! Tillooo gave an idea . . . . Just write the essay My best friend & just keep on replacing the word friend with the father..... So this was how Billooo & Tillooo wrote the essay "MY FATHER"......Fathers & fathers are everywhere, but good fathers are very rare. I have so many fathers, but my best father is pyarelal. He is my neighbour. He often comes to my home & my mother likes him very much.

Showing his friend around his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."

"Well," his friend replies, "since you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, you'll never be able to sell!"

"And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

An english man and a desi man were both going to a interview. They were asked to use the colours green. pink and yellow. The english man goes in and says the grass is green, the sun is yellow and the sunset is pink. The desi man goes in and says my phone goes green green i pink it up and i say yellow!!

Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over.

The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.
The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."

Once there was a police man and one day on duty he saw a man with a brick on a leash. Being the man that he was he went over and said to the man and said nice dog you got there.

The man replied, "it's not a dog its a brick dumb ass!"
The policeman said "I'm really sorry for wasting your time" feeling embarrassed and strolled away quickly.
When the policeman was out of site the man bent down and whispered to the brick: "Got him there didn't we Rover?"

A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.
The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.
"Rustling."

Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.

The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"
"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."
"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed.
"I thought you were trying to bring her back."

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".

"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

Pat is appearing on the television quiz show 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. He has already reached the £64,000 mark but he only has one lifeline left which is to phone a friend.
"You've done really well to get this far Pat" the quizmaster says, "the next question is worth £125,000 if you decide to play. Are you ready?"
"Sure" Pat nods.
"On screen is a photograph of a current Manchester United player as a small baby." the quizmaster continues, "The question is Pat, and don't forget this is for £125,000, which player is it?"
Pat looks at the picture on screen for a while and says "I'm pretty sure it's David Beckham... No, I'm sure it is... Can I phone a friend just to check?"
"OK" the quizmaster asks, "Who are going to phone?"
Pat answers and pretty soon the phone is ringing and his best friend Mick picks up at the other end. The quizmaster explains the situation to Mick and Pat asks him the same question.
Without any hesitation Mick replies "No, that's definately Peter Schmeichel"
Pat looks concerned now "Are you sure Mick, I'm convinced that it's David Beckham?"
"Definately" Mick replies.
"Well" the quizmaster continues, "You've used your lifeline, now I need your answer"
"OK" says Pat, looking nervous now, "But I'm sure it's David Beckham, that's my final answer... David Beckham."
"You had £64,000 Pat, If you're right you win £125,000, if you're wrong you leave us with the money you've got so far..." There's a tense drum roll and the music dips before the quizmaster speaks again
"Sorry Pat, you were wrong. Never mind, you've been a great contestant and you've won £64,000. Here's your cheque and thanks for playing."
As the audience start to applaud Pat asks, "What was the correct answer, it's killing me!"
The quizmaster replies, "Andy Cole."

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy responded, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."

First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.

Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?
First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?

One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said, "Well Mike, how's it all going?"
"How's it all going?" he asked. "My life's a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, most people want me banned me for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse."
"Oh, that's so sad," the prostitute said. "I'll say one thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!"

Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across a dead, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead woman out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive.
The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over her left breast, the second places his Phillies cap on her right breast and the third fan places his Yankees cap on her pubic area.
The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened. After explaining that they found her naked and covered her up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body. He briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it; then he lifted the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it.
However, when he lifted the Yankees cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Yankees cap once again and stared for a long time.
As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped him and asked him why he spent so much time looking at the woman's genitalia, and he said, "It's the first time I've seen anything but an asshole under a Yankees cap."

Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?

A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."

Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.

Did you here about the idiot who won the 'Tour De France'?
He did a lap of Honour!

Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!

Q: What kind of cats love the water?

A: Octo-Pussies.

Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx.

Q: What's a porcupine's favorite food?
A: Prickled onions.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A: A zebra with a drumkit.

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell garage.

Q: What were the only creatures not to go into the Ark in pairs?
A: The Maggots, they went in an apple.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chickens day off.

Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.

Q: What do you give a sick pig?
A: Oinkment!

Q: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?

A: Elf raising flour.

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"

Q: What carries round a sack and bites people?
A: Santa Jaws

A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"

Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.

Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."

Q: What's an Eskimo's favorite song?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!

Q: Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
A: At a Jungle Sale!

First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.

Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes.

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"
"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother's house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he alway's made it by there by 2PM.
One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?
"No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I've got a rope in the back and we'll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride."
The man says, "Ok!"
They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell BEEP BEEP if I'm going to fast." No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man's eye's widen in fright
. Sure enough, the light changes and THEIR OFF! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.
Meanwhile, at the local police dept... "Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a 'Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street."
"What's so weird about that?" asks the other cops. The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming BEEP BEEP and trying to pass!"

The work of a certain timid but thorough law clerk was valued for its precision, so soon he was making money to buy himself a nice imported sports car.

Not long afterwards he had the misfortune to get lost in the worst part of town, and when he stopped at a red light a huge, mean son-of-a-bitch hauled him out of the driver's seat.
Drawing a circle around him on the pavement, the hoodlum told him not to set foot out of it unless he wanted the shit beat out of him. The delinquent proceeded to demolish the car, starting with the headlights and windows, when he heard the law clerk giggling.
He moved on to the body and engine, but in between crashes he couldn't help hearing gales of laughter.
Finally, crowbar in hand, he came over to his victim and demanded, "What you laughing about? Your fancy car's never gonna run again."
"So?" the clerk gasped helplessly, tears running down his face. "Ever since you started tearing up my car, I've been stepping in and out of this circle, in and out, in and out..."

A car breaks down along the motorway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the motorway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.

The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs.
When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He said to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a dump and then put the make on that new blonde stewardess."

The stewardess hears it, and runs up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on. She trips and falls in her haste.
A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a dump first."

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc.

Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest."
The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"
To which the undergradute cooed, "Yes, anything you say."
After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"
The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."
The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."

In a primary school classroom, the teacher notices a little puddle underneath Mary's chair.

"Oh Mary!" says the teacher, "you should have put your hand up."
"I did," Mary replied. "But it still trickled through my fingers."

A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."

Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see... Fun period ... fun period ... fun no period ... worry worry worry!"

The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and asked who could spell it.
George raised his hand and he spelled out, "d-i-k-t-a-t-e."
The teacher said, "sorry that's wrong" Then she asked Stephen.
Stephen slowly spelled out, "d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e."
"Sorry" says the teacher, "that's not right either."
Next, she asked Fiona After a slight pause Fiona began spelling, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e."
"Very good Fiona," applauded the teacher, "that's correct. Now," the teacher continued, "who can use this word in a sentence?"
Stephen raised his hand quick as a flash shouting, "I know-Iknow,"
"OK" replied the teacher, "please use the word Stephen."
Stephen responded, "How did my dictate last night, Fiona?"

Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident

"What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?"

Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel

"An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf."
Ross Perot talking about Dan Quayle

"I have never seen. . .so slippery, so disgusting a candidate."
Nat Hentoff talking about Bill Clinton

"He's nothing more than a well meaning baboon"
General McCellan on Abraham Lincoln

"MacArthur is the type of man who thinks that when he gets to heaven, God will step down from the great white throne and bow him into His vacated seat."
Harold Ickes talking about Douglas MacArthur

"A triumph of the embalmers art"
Gore Vidal on Ronald Reagan

"If he became convinced tomorrow that coming out for cannibalism would get him the votes he surely needs, he would begin fattening a missionary in the White House backyard come Wednesday."
H. L. Mencken talking about Franklin D. Roosevelt

"I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic region covered with ice."
Steve Martin

"The enviably attractive nephew who sings an Irish ballad for the company and then winsomely disappears before the table clearing and dishwashing begin."
Lyndon B. Johnson on JFK

"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born"
Ronald Reagan

"Attila the Hen"
Clement Freud on Margaret Thatcher

"Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair, he's just prematurely orange"
Gerald Ford on Ronald Reagan

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
Victor Borge talking about Mozart

Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?
Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol

I knew right away that Rock Hudson was gay when he did not fall in love with me
Gina Lollogrigida on Rock Hudson

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Groucho Marx

"Actually, I never liked Dylan's kind of music before; I always thought he sounded just like Yogi Bear."
Mick Ronson

Here lies my wife: here let her lie !
Now she's at rest and so am I
John Dryden on his wife

"If pople don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting."
Herman J. Mankiewicz

"He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting 'Fox's Book of Martyrs' in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their seats."
Roger Gellert on John Cleese

"A hyena that wrote poetry in tombs."
Friedrich Nietzsche on Dante

"The biggest no-talent I ever worked with."
Paul Cohen on Buddy Holly

"The stupid person's idea of a clever person."
Elizabeth Bowen on Aldous Huxley

"It is only too easy to catch people's attention by doing something worse than anyone else has dared to do it before."
Charivari on Claude Monet