- A pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.
-- There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
-- Sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their
prescriptions, while healthy people can buy...
When I go to other countries... I sort of think of myself as an ambassador insofar as I don't want to be a typical American douchenozzle. And getting thrown out of the Anne Frank house, that's it -- I mean, you've won the douchenozzle.
How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, 'How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those..
.They're hard on Americans, though, man. They heckle you in England as an American for things you have no idea -- 'Screw you and the Panama Canal Treaty of 1874!'
The Super Bowl this year was kind of interesting because they ran three and a half or four hours of 'A Salute to America,' brought to us by the NFL. So by the time they were kicking off, I was actually sick of freedom; I pined to be enslaved
I believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you can't stand it. It has to be that way. What about a headline like this: 'Hippo Eats Dwarf'? How good is that? You read that headline,...
I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If...
The great part about Crisco is you never get burnt because, when you start to sizzle, you move your ass
I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate...
The Super Bowl this year was kind of interesting because they ran three and a half or four hours of 'A Salute to America,' brought to us by the NFL. So by the time they were kicking off, I was actually sick of freedom; I pined to be enslaved.
Halftime at the Super Bowl is the best because halftime at the Super Bowl has gotten exponentially worse every year. I use the word 'exponentially' because I was taught it in math class and that was the first sentence I could use it in. 'Exponentially worse' means crappier and crappier and crappier
People believe that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days, and that's a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' situation. Most Jewish families don't make it past the fourth day. It doesn't happen -- 'Come on, aren't we going to light the lights?' 'Eh, no. Enough's enough.
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